ThePoliticalReview

For this week's edition of Talking Heads, WUPR was able to procure a time machine though our extensive and possibly sinister connections. WUPR was purchasing our Student Union allotted twenty Kalashnikovs in an Islamabad gun market when a Pakistani merchant fooled WUPR representatives into buying a faulty product. The seller had failed to tell us that the device was actually a reverse time machine which transported a random person from the past into 2010 for one hour.

Upon activation of device, a figure suddenly materializes in the PMC.

WUPR: Oh its a...hmm...bulldog? With a trillby?

Mysterious figure: So that's what I get for all that I've done for you blokes.

WUPR: Is that...Sir Winston Churchill?

Churchill: Indeed it is.

WUPR: My apologies! I guess I'll have to explain what's going on.

Churchill: No, that won't be necessary, I've been through much worse. Besides, I've been briefed. The world isn't as it should be you know.

WUPR: I'm sorry to hear that. How so?

Churchill: Well, first of all, what the hell happened to Britain? Didn't we, like, own half the world? Those colonies can't go it themselves. That's why I never supported Indian independence; they need British rule not to blow themselves back into the stone age.

WUPR: Actually, India is doing pretty well for itself—for now they're still the world's largest democracy. And I do believe they are better than Britain at cricket too.

Churchill: That's unreasonable. Nonsense. How dare you criticize the Queen's team.

WUPR: Um. Yes. Let's move on. Do you have any advice on how to make this world better?

Churchill: In fact I do. Look at that sultry fool Ahmadinejad. Haven't you ever read a history book? Say, you ever heard of one Neville Chamberlain?

WUPR: Yes of course. He was all about appeasement; he let Hitler do what he want so he wouldn't do it anyway by force...

Churchill: ...and how did that turn out? I think that our great nations (of which mine is still better) should go and take care of the whole Iran problem you have now. You know, do things the old fashioned way and give Ahmadinejad something to think about. I still wish I'd done the same when I had the chance back in '38. We must stay vigilant against our threats.

WUPR: I think the world is different place now. But I admit, you definitely have the whole helped win World War II thing going for you.

Churchill: Remember my Iron Curtain speech? In your world, the communists have been replaced by those questionable “rogue states” or Axis of Evil or whatever. You can't let the free world be bossed around like that! If you give, even a little, they'll end up trying to take everything.

WUPR: Makes sense. But I think you forget about the two other wars we've busied ourselves with. Did you see the recent British election debates? Seems like you guys have taken a page from your friends across the pond.

Churchill: Yes. Very interesting to see our leaders now finally making good use of the media, getting to the hearts and minds of the British people. Except I did that 70 years ago on the radio, but everyone forgot after the war I guess. But no time for complaining; David Cameron seems like a good chap, being a fellow Conservative of course. He knows what's best for Britain, I think. Gordon Brown, he's um...how do you say it...not exactly charismatic. And Nick Clegg, well he's just boring isn't he.

WUPR: Good to see you're on top of things sir.

Churchill: Thank you, I try. On the way here, a nice, white, middle-upper class 50-year old American man gave me a cup of tea and told me that you guys have a commie in Oval Office. Despicable. I can't believe you let the reds get to you after all those hard years.

WUPR: I believe you came across a member of the so-called Tea Party Movement. I don't think I'm technically allowed to say...

Churchill: ...that they are full of crap? Yes, I became suspicious of him when he told me he had dedicated himself to American politics but pointed to New Zealand when I asked him where Iraq was.

WUPR: That's not necessarily definitive of his not being a politician, but I understand your point.

Churchill: These kind of upstart political movements have always been around, some helpful, others just empty headed. In some ways, the world has changed. But in other ways, its very much the same. I hope your politicians realize that. Thank you for having me.

As WUPR watches in astonishment, Winston Churchill, starts his WWII-era Royal Air Force Spitfire, and flies away into the sunset. Stay tuned for more Talking Heads and more of the mysterious Pakistani time machine.

Taka Yamaguchi can be contacted at tyama2891 [at] gmail.com

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was scheduled to attend this week's edition of Talking Heads with Taka Yamaguchi, but shortly before the scheduled interview, he was invited to the birthday party of a certain 18-year old Neapolitan beauty who is known to call Mr. Berlusconi “papi” (look it up if you don't believe me). Evidently, he has urgent state matters to attend to.

Not to worry though, WUPR was able to make some encrypted calls and coded messages and was able to get a hold of one of the most manly people in the business. Please give a warm welcome to Prime Minister of Russia Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

WUPR: It's a great pleasure to have you here Mr. Putin.

Putin: Nice to meet you too. I always have a great time in this country. I just came back from Texas, where my old friend George and I were sharing a few drinks and stories. He was particularly impressed by my run-in with a tiger on a hunting trip a little while back.

WUPR: Sounds like you haven't lost your touch. What happened?

Putin: Well, I won't give away too much but in the end, it was Vladimir 1, Animal Kingdom 0. It's all on the Internet if you want to look into my other shirtless hunting adventures.



WUPR: I hear you also manhandled a protester outside the Bush's ranch while you were there.

Putin: Yes, a silly American whiner got what was coming. George's Secret Service detail was about to stop him, but I admit I wanted to show off a bit, you see. The fool had no idea what hit him when I unleashed my signature Harai Goshi, or sweeping hip throw. I practice Judo, you know.

WUPR: I've heard you're quite the expert. Aren't you a black belt?

Putin: Actually, I'm a sixth level black belt. One moment please, I should take this call.

Answers phone.

Putin: Hello? Who's this? Oh. I'm really quite busy now Dimitry, can I call you back in a while?

...You've got a diplomatic dinner reception in an hour? Well, then, get dressed and go! What's the issue?

...Umm, well you should wear those brown shoes I got you. They, ahem, make you look taller.

Putin: I'm sorry, where were we? (Russian President) Whatsisname always needs my advice on everything!

WUPR: Well, some have said you just make his decisions for him.

Putin: That's absurd. We split our important tasks. Right now, I'm organizing the police forces for bringing the monsters behind the Moscow bombings to justice. Dimitry is taking care of figuring out the best animal mascot for the 2016 Sochi Olympics.

WUPR: We at WUPR were all shocked at the news of the bombings. How did the Russian people take it?

Putin: We all shared the same grief. Those responsible will be brought before the KGB people soon enough. I want nothing more than to have them stood up in front of me and to perform a sweeping ankle throw on them, or maybe a Uki Otoshi (floating drop). Every media outlet would cover it so that every Russian could enjoy it.

WUPR: Sounds like good old fashioned Russian justice. Speaking of media, would you like to elaborate on the string of journalists' deaths throughout your presidency?

Putin: They were cowardly attacks by the Russian mafia, or Chechen rebels. The fact that many of them were critical of my government is just a coincidence, of course. Again? Excuse me.

Answers phone with visible irritation.

Putin: What do you want? Can't it wait?

...What do you mean you can't find a matching blue tie? Wear another one then.

...Damn it, just ask Lyudmila (my wife) for one of mine. Um, ask her for tie #2318. Okay, stop calling.

Putin: Little does he know that #2318 contains a tracking device. He always gets nervous and runs off somewhere in diplomatic situations. Anyway, let's continue.

WUPR: What's your take on Iran's nuclear ambitions? Are you still against further sanctions?

Putin: I've spoken to your President Obama about this issue a lot. And I think I might be changing my mind, what with Ahmadinejad getting all uppity. He clearly doesn't know where he belongs.

WUPR: Interesting, can you describe how the recent nuclear summit went?

Putin: Very well, in fact. It's imperative that we keep these dangerous weapons away from any rogue parties while also reducing America's and Russia's nuclear arsenals.

WUPR: That's why Russia offered to take Iran's uranium and partially enrich it for them right?

Putin: Some people don't understand that the Cold War is over. Both Russia and America have massive defense budgets, but they are for lots of tanks and guns—more conventional weapons instead of more nukes. Progress is great, isn't it?

WUPR: It certainly is. It's not like the old days when Russia was always trying to expand its influence on surrounding governments. *cough* Ukraine. *cough* Georgia. We are just about out of time, but can I ask you one more question?

Putin: Certainly.

At this point, WUPR was about to ask about the rumored suppression of opposition parties in recent Russian elections, but Mr. Putin gave such a sweet smile that WUPR was unable to continue.

WUPR: What's your take on President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela? Reports are that you two have become close friends.

Putin: Hugo is a good guy. He says lots of gibberish about imperialists and hating America and all that, but he has lots of oil/needs lots of weapons has a funny accent which makes me chuckle.

WUPR: Thank you so much for your time sir. Hopefully, Medvedev has got everything sorted out.

Putin: For the life of me, I hope so too. Sometimes it's like I'm doing his job for him, the ass.

Taka Yamaguchi can be contacted at tyama2891 [at] gmail.com

From the state of Alaska, a proud mother of five who has shot herself to the forefront of American politics joins WUPR for some one-on-one time.

WUPR: Good evening everyone. Please give your warmest welcome to Ms. Sarah Palin, former governor of our 50^th state, 2008's former vice-presidential hopeful, and currently, well, what do you do Ms. Palin?

Palin: The liberal media says that I parade around the country giving a bad name to conservatives. They say that many Republican politicians have grown tired of me and doesn't give two shits about what I do or say. Well, that's not true. I'm just as important as I always was. That's why that old prune Johnny nominated me two years ago.

WUPR: That's good to hear. We love hearing a success story in WUPR. You've been active in television recently, have you not? How are things going over on Fox?

Palin: Oh, just great actually. I premiered my own talk show yesterday, called...

Sneakily glances at hand, probably thinks no one noticed

...Real American Stories. It's all about the everyday miracles in our wonderful nation. I got to interview LL Cool J, which I think will help me connect with our youth, especially with my utter lack of political knowledge my maverickosity. Over on TLC, my show about the wonderful natural beauty of my native Alaska is about to premiere soon. My whole life, I've been doing everything I can to protect nature, making every sacrifice to try to protect it.

WUPR: Obviously. Recorded media is always a good tool for those trying to hide their inadequate public speaking abilities. Speaking of which, we've been following your Twitter account too.

Palin: Oh, thanks so much! I think that by following me on Twitter, you are one step closer to making yourself a true American.

WUPR: Interesting. What are some other ways to prove our love for our country?

Palin: Well, remember Joe Six-Pack? I've been thinking about a new model for the normal, hard working American who also hates the socialists on the Hill: Bobby 12-Gauge!

WUPR: That's not really a valid answer for the question I asked, but it's catchy. Can you elaborate on how you came up with such a fitting label that can undoubtedly be applied to every real American?

Palin: Do you remember my Twitter post from a few days ago? “Commonsense conservatives & lovers of America: Don't retreat, instead—RELOAD!” I took me five days and 33 moose head stews to think it up. Well, I was thinking about how I love guns and the rush of adrenaline I get when I see the look on Rudolph the Reindeer's face when he knows that he isn't gonna be helping Santa anytime soon.

Then I thought, you know, who doesn't love that feeling? (Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?) Our Founding Fathers—all of them in fact—simply wanted to let us know that from the beginning of human history, in 1776, the greatest asset of America was the ready availability of highly overpowered guns. And I can't believe that President Obama would have the nerve to prevent my little Trig from defending himself against big government with a military-issue automatic weapon.

WUPR: That is such a heartwarming story. I really think you're on to something special, Ms. Palin. When you said “Commonsense conservatives,” who were you referring to?

Palin: My friends over in the Tea Party Organization, of course. You must know of the great good they are doing for our nation, uniting a vague, overgeneralized view of American politics with an inapplicable reference to historical events that does not make actual sense.

WUPR: What makes them different from other short-lived political movements?

Palin: They better represent conservative America than does the current GOP. We both complain about nothing in particular and neither of us offer any alternatives, but we wear cool hats festooned with teabags and carry rifles to our conventions. That, my friend, is the future of the United States.

WUPR: One more thing. If you were suddenly elected President, would you be ready to take on America's current foreign issues?

Palin: Not my strongest subject in middle school, but I'm ready for anything because I have my country at my side.

WUPR: Okay. What would you do in Iran?

Palin: Well, that problems already pretty much solved isn't it? Didn't that Mission Accomplished banner mean anything? All the Iranians are thankful for us deposing Saddam Hussein and his WMDs.

WUPR: No, that's Iraq. I said Iran. You know, with the nukes and not listening to us...

Palin: Sorry, geography wasn't my best subject either. Well, I'd just blow Kim Jong Il to kingdom come right?

WUPR: We'd do the same Ms. Palin, we'd do the same. Thank you so much for your valuable time and good luck in your campaign to offend or anger most of America.

Join us next week for an exclusive interview with embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Taka Yamaguchi can be contacted at tyama2891 [at] gmail.com

"And with this finger, I can destroy the world"

WUPR: Hello and welcome everyone. Joining us from for this episode of Talking Heads straight from Pyongyang, North Korea, is Mr. Kim Jong Il. Well, unfortunately, due to his fear of flying, he is unable to be here but is with us via live video feed.

Il: Actually, it is the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. And, as per custom, you forgot to mention how much North Koreans love living in our workers' paradise.

WUPR: Sorry to offend you, Mr. Il. I was just wondering, how do you travel if you do not fly?

Il: I have a personal armored train for transportation. Planes are not up to my standards; I get fresh live lobsters airlifted to my train every day. Besides, I would not travel on your greedy imperialist airlines. They are no match for our extremely safe, world renowned, North Korean aircraft.

WUPR: I see. An incident occurred Saturday in which a South Korean Navy ship suffered an explosion and sunk off the coast of North Korea. 46 sailors are missing. Would you care to elaborate?

Il: I have no knowledge of this incident. It is likely yet another example of the imperialist American government and its puppets spreading lies.

WUPR: Do you think this could be somehow, incidentally, tangentially related to a statement from North Korea last Friday threatening “unpredictable strikes” on the United States and South Korea?

Il: We did not release such comments. I will personally look into this matter and those responsible will be held accountable. Next question.

WUPR: Last year, when Former President Bill Clinton arranged for two Korean-American journalists mistaken for spies to be released, you pardoned and relea--

Il: --I know, it was an excellent display of our infinite humanitarianism. I opted not to execute torture withhold these imperialist agents who had been caught with our secret plans for the new Kim Il Sung 3-D action figure. I felt like the endless victories for Juche, the ideal form of socialism my father perfected, was irritating the Americans. I invited Mr. Clinton to my personal palace in the mountains. As I looked at his pleading gaze, he threw himself on his knees and asked for mercy. Alas, I conceded, and I personally released the imperialist transgressors.

WUPR: Oh, I was not informed of this fact. Our media sources were inadequate, as we had lost the remote with Fox News stuck on the television. There were reports that you were actually not there, but a body double had taken your place.

Il: That is preposterous. My love for my people would not allow me to perform such a cowardly deception. These unsubstantiated lies are simply spewed out of the imperialist pig's mouth. My kidney is not failing, I have not suffered a stroke, and I am in perfectly good health.

WUPR: I must agree. You are looking particularly fruitful today, Dear Leader Il. Yet, you must have considered a successor to carry on the flame of your father, Eternal President Kim Il Sung. Is your eldest son, Kim Jong Nam, to be nominated when you ascend to the heavens?

Il: He is no longer the chosen one. He betrayed his country, his people, and most importantly myself by attempting to abandon our workers' paradise. I was quite shaken when I learned that he had only erected two shrines in my honor unlike the required fifteen...

At this point, Mr. Kim Jong Il leaves and has an awkward emotional episode. One hour later...

WUPR: I'm sorry to bring up such a...sensitive topic. We have time for one more question, if you would not mind. Would you be willing to divulge information about the current state of the North Korean nuclear weapons program?

Il: Our nuclear technology has been successfully developed to deter any potential aggressors. We have recently developed a nuclear-plasma gun, named Kim Jong Il's Fist, which can selectively discriminate between imperialist enemies and fellow socialists. I'm sorry, but I have matters to attend to; I must prepare for our daily mass-march commemorating my birthday.

WUPR: We'll let you back to work, Dear Leader. Thank you for your time.

Join us next week for a one-on-one interview with former Wasilla City Councilwoman Ms. Sarah Palin.

(Editor's Note: All quotes in this piece may be partly or wholly fictional. Shame on you for not knowing that)

Taka Yamaguchi can be contacted at tyama2891 [at] gmail.com