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You know, sometimes I have to wonder if everyone sees elections the same way that I do. Then I realize that it’s way more fun if I assume they don’t. Here’s what I imagine different people will see on their ballots next Tuesday.

Average Voter: Those guys who aren’t doing too much VS. Those guys who do even less

CNN Pundit: Black voters VS. Tea party voters

Christine O’donnell: Abra VS. Kadabra

Glenn Beck: TERRORISTS VS. (weeping) I LOVE AMERICA SO MUCH

Comedy Central: Restore Sanity VS. Keep Fear Alive

Speaker Nancy Pelosi: Democrats VS. There is no other option. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Sen. John Kerry: Republicans VS. An organization of well-intentioned men and women, loyal patriots all, who, although there are faults in them, are true Americans, not in the sense that they aren’t immigrants, because you can be an immigrant and still love America, but in the sense that they stand for our ideals, the ideals which our founding fathers had, but updated to a reasonable modern standard, such that we may adjust to our modern times without sacrificing those same values, which are slightly outdated anyway, not to say they’re bad, but hey they had slaves and everything

5-year-old: Who would win in a fight: a donkey or an elephant?

Sarah Palin: Who would win in a fight: Barack Obama riding a donkey or Me riding an elephant?

Ozzy Osbourne: (Decapitated donkey) VS. (Decapitated elephant)

Rahm Emmanuel: This ballot is F***ING RETARDED. I’m going home.

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Bryan Baird

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